I remember the day I am filling up the application form to the university. We need to choose courses we would like to take. I copied the course that my seatmate wrote in her application form. And if I am going to fill up that form today, I would still not know what to put in there. You see, I don’t really plan my life. I live one day at a time. It’s not because I do not have dreams. It’s not because I do not look for great things to happen in my life. It’s just that, I don’t learn to ask for more than what is given to me. Maybe because we were brought up that way. Maybe because that’s what I saw in the people around me growing up. I am not really sure. But for me, life is about suffering. It’s not about pursuing happiness or staying happy, but about doing what is right. And if you feel a little bit of happiness in your life from the things you do, it should be enough to keep you going. That’s what I believe. I thought I had life figured out. But I was wrong.
I had a recent performance evaluation at work. My boss told me that he is quite pleased with the development in my area. He told me he noticed how organized I am in my work, and how I am able to discern possible conflicts in my projects, and offer solutions at the same time. He also pointed out how independent I am at work that most of the time, I seem to forget to update him. Everything is ok at work so far. Not perfect, but all is manageable. I am being appreciated by my work, and I am also enjoying. I am a Sales Manager in a distribution company of Food Ingredients. This is me now. I can say that, I am at my zen. But my views about work, life, and it’s balance, was totally different a few years ago. Before I had one of, I believe, the most important realizations of my life, I always thought I can do anything with hard-work and passion, patience and perseverance, that in order to do well at work, I just have to do what is expected of me, do extra miles if possible, follow the superior, and learn to adapt and adjust to changes in workplace. I was wrong, again.
A few years ago, before I joined the company I am connected with now, I had an opportunity to work in a huge multinational company. Best pay I had. Good benefits. Good work schedule. I am very much familiar with the nature of the work. Perfect opportunity for me. Why not. I never doubted myself that I can do it. I work hard. I am passionate. I am patient. I can relate with all kinds of people. No problem. I did what is expected of me, did extra miles if possible, followed my superior, and learned to adapt and adjust to changes in workplace. My sure formula to succeed. My boss said, I am doing well. But then, few months into the organization, I find myself dragging myself to work. I am literally crying because I don’t like to go to work. I could not believe myself. This is not me. I am an achiever. Consistent honor student. University honor roll. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. But one thing I know for sure, I can’t do it anymore. Ironically, it’s not really the work per se, because work is manageable. People in there who are less experienced and younger than me survived, and thriving. So what’s wrong with me? I can’t do it, and I don’t know why. Until, a month before my 12th month, I decided to resign. During my exit interview, my boss asked me why. I still don’t know then. I just found myself accepting that, I failed. That I am not built for it. I am not strong enough. And the things I believed and hold on to for years suddenly did not make sense. Only later on, I realized why. It’s because I am forcing my heart into something that my heart does not believe in. Because I know I need to do what is expected of me, I ended up working hard to control my heart. Forced it to be passionate, to do what is expected from me. I struggled and suffered. But what happen to “Life is about Suffering”? This suffering should be expected right? I realized it doesn’t work that way. We are created to our own uniqueness. Who we are is marked by what our heart can take, and what our heart is capable of, by the morals and beliefs instilled in us. No amount of money, expectation, and privilege can ever mask that.
Do I still believe that life is suffering? Definitely. Do I still believe that life is not about pursuing happiness, but doing what is right? Yes. So what changed? I guess, I realized that life is all that and more. Life is about constantly guarding my heart. Allowing it to see the truth and realness of life, without numbing it and forcing it. My heart reminds me what is really important. What matters at the end of the day. Everyday, when I need to decide on something, I listen to my heart. My heart does not tell me what to do. It only reminds me who I really am.
Prayers|Patience|Beer 