Lesson 4 : Wandering wallflower

Almost everyday, I need to drive at least 120 kms. I live in Laguna, and I work in Ortigas. On top of this, I do field work more than 50% of my work time so that’s maybe another 50-100kms more everyday, and yes, more time spent sitting on the car, staring at the plate number of the car in front of me in the middle of the Manila traffic.  On days like this though, when I am almost done with my “urgents” at work, I slow down. I go to a place half an hour drive from our house, and do some admins. It’s my form of break. I spend time thinking what to do next with my projects, which customers to approach, what strategy to do. It’s actually like a planning time for me before I embark again to the never ending leg work of this career. Other days, I plan our family vacation, search for possible business or investment opportunity, or look for other things to do. This is what I called – self calibration. Finding where I am now, and bringing myself back to my original self.

I look at people around, and I wonder, what they are thinking, where are they going, what makes them happy, what struggles do they have, what motivates them every morning. Yes, I think a lot, unnecessarily. Maybe that’s why, I kind of “trained” myself to “dedma” the issues around – it’s because when I think about it, I will go crazy trying to understand it, and it frustrates me when I don’t understand. My husband told me, “You don’t need to understand, maybe not now, not right away, you just need to accept it, and trust that your will understand it eventually why it happened.” People live by trust, and faith and acceptance, and hope – not by knowing and understanding. Our world indeed is full of unknowns. Right now I guess, more importantly, is we understand ourselves – our soul, our faith, who we are.

 

A Moment of Clarity

I remember the day I am filling up the application form to the university. We need to choose courses we would like to take. I copied the course that my seatmate wrote in her application form. And if I am going to fill up that form today, I would still not know what to put in there. You see, I don’t really plan my life. I live one day at a time. It’s not because I do not have dreams. It’s not because I do not look for great things to happen in my life. It’s just that, I don’t learn to ask for more than what is given to me. Maybe because we were brought up that way. Maybe because that’s what I saw in the people around me growing up. I am not really sure. But for me, life is about suffering. It’s not about pursuing happiness or staying happy, but about doing what is right. And if you feel a little bit of happiness in your life from the things you do, it should be enough to keep you going. That’s what I believe. I thought I had life figured out. But I was wrong.

I had a recent performance evaluation at work. My boss told me that he is quite pleased with the development in my area. He told me he noticed how organized I am in my work, and how I am able to discern possible conflicts in my projects, and offer solutions at the same time. He also pointed out how independent I am at work that most of the time, I seem to forget to update him. Everything is ok at work so far. Not perfect, but all is manageable. I am being appreciated by my work, and I am also enjoying. I am a Sales Manager in a distribution company of Food Ingredients. This is me now. I can say that, I am at my zen. But my views about work, life, and it’s balance, was totally different a few years ago. Before I had one of, I believe, the most important realizations of my life, I always thought I can do anything with hard-work and passion, patience and perseverance, that in order to do well at work, I just have to do what is expected of me, do extra miles if possible, follow the superior, and learn to adapt and adjust to changes in workplace. I was wrong, again.

A few years ago, before I joined the company I am connected with now, I had an  opportunity to work in a huge multinational company. Best pay I had. Good benefits. Good work schedule. I am very much familiar with the nature of the work. Perfect opportunity for me. Why not. I never doubted myself that I can do it. I work hard. I am passionate. I am patient. I can relate with all kinds of people. No problem. I did what is expected of me, did extra miles if possible, followed my superior, and learned to adapt and adjust to changes in workplace. My sure formula to succeed. My boss said, I am doing well. But then, few months into the organization, I find myself dragging myself to work. I am literally crying because I don’t like to go to work. I could not believe myself. This is not me. I am an achiever. Consistent honor student. University honor roll. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. But one thing I know for sure, I can’t do it anymore. Ironically, it’s not really the work per se, because work is manageable. People in there who are less experienced and younger than me survived, and thriving. So what’s wrong with me? I can’t do it, and I don’t know why. Until, a month before my 12th month, I decided to resign. During my exit interview, my boss asked me why. I still don’t know then. I just found myself accepting that, I failed. That I am not built for it. I am not strong enough. And the things I believed and hold on to for years suddenly did not make sense. Only later on, I realized why. It’s because I am forcing my heart into something that my heart does not believe in. Because I know I need to do what is expected of me, I ended up working hard to control my heart. Forced it to be passionate, to do what is expected from me. I struggled and suffered. But what happen to “Life is about Suffering”? This suffering should be expected right? I realized it doesn’t work that way. We are created to our own uniqueness. Who we are is marked by what our heart can take, and what our heart is capable of, by the morals and beliefs instilled in us. No amount of money, expectation, and privilege can ever mask that.

Do I still believe that life is suffering? Definitely. Do I still believe that life is not about pursuing happiness, but doing what is right? Yes. So what changed?  I guess, I realized that life is all that and more. Life is  about constantly guarding my heart. Allowing it to see the truth and realness of life, without numbing it and forcing it. My heart reminds me what is really important. What matters at the end of the day.  Everyday, when I need to decide on something, I listen to my heart. My heart does not tell me what to do. It only reminds me who I really am.

15 Days of Writing True

#15daysofwritingtrue starts today. ❤ I am a bad writer. I always have a lot of thoughts in my head but never really get the chance to say it or write it because I feel I can’t put it into words. So, about a month ago I saw this online writing workshop and I thought, why not. I’ve been writing kakornihan at ka ewanan since there’s friendster blog. I even have a secret blog for Di, where I put some letters for him from 2009-2012, but then while I believe, I love writing, I don’t really have the “writing habit” and the “skill” and the reason to do it, except, wala lang. Gusto ko lang. Haha. Also, when I am a bit stressed I kind of automatically try to find something else to do haha. Last time it’s leather crafting, this time, writing naman. Haha. Seriously, the moment I saw this workshop, I literally sign up on the spot. I just feel I need to do this. Maybe, more than gaining confidence to write, I also want to discover more about myself, or re-kindle some fire within me. Just the way I decide on most of important things in my life – I just listen to my heart, & then, decide whether to follow it or not. 😉🤣😅